I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize