I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
