Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
