How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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