I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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