my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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