I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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