She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
