Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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