I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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