Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
