he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize