i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
