My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize