As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
