We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
