Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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