My liver just broke up with me...
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
