they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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