apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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