Define "chronic" masturbator.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
