worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
