i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
