glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
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