I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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