If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
