I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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