she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
