So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
