how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
