What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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