Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I touched a dick in church today
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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