How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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