the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
