You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
sarcasm needs its own font
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us