she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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