im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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