i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
