There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
