I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
the raccoons are back...
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