I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
