First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
