Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
