last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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