my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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