everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
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He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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