I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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