Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
