I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
