oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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