I never want to see another naked old woman again.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
