Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
