you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
