I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
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Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
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By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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