everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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