who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
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Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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