he puts the penis in happiness.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
